An Open Letter To Dads About ADD: Absent Dad Disorder

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Before we get to today’s article, I just want to mention that am writing from the perspective of a man that has experienced many of the challenges of which I write…. and those spiritual battles continue daily. The articles are implications of what it means to obey the commandment to raise your children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. They require some reflection and are particularly for Christians who, as Peter would say, are diligently seeking to confirm their calling and are making every effort to supplement their faith. Said more succinctly, serious Christians. If you know other believers who desire to walk more faithfully with the Lord, please forward an article to them and tell them to sign up for future articles. Thanks so much!

During my 22 years as Headmaster of a Christian school, I wrote many articles in our school newspaper. One day, I was speaking with a school mom and the subject of a recent article I wrote came up. We had some discussion about the content of the article and this particular mom said to me, “I think some of what you have said is great but how do we get the dads to read it?” She went further, “How about an email list of all of the dads so you can communicate with them directly each week?”

Those questions revealed a reality that I had observed weekly in our school families: many dads (not all) are essentially absent from the daily interaction and training of their children. As our faculty experienced more and more of the consequences of a family operating with Dad being absent, I have stolen the more traditional meaning of ADD (attention deficit disorder) and now use the acronym for Absent Dad Disorder.

There are several symptoms of ADD, or Absent Dad Disorder:

Children who are inappropriately craving affection, especially from men. The child doesn’t process it- they don’t know what they are doing- but they are just trying to fill that hole that should be filled by their Dad.
Children who are not behaving properly. These children are not getting the training and discipline that they need from a man.
Children who are physically aggressive towards other children or even their mom. I’m not a psychiatrist, but it seems that the child is simply releasing a frustration or anger that is below the surface.
Children who have little discipline in their life- they struggle to stay on task at school or do their homework at home.
Children who no longer have any respect for what their parents say because they have received a message for years that they aren’t important enough to get on Dad’s schedule of attention.
Moms who are exhausted. So much could be said about ADD hurting your marriage, but here we are just talking about the kids. Dad, your wife is being run into the ground! She is trying to fill the role of two parents and she can’t do it. Even if she could be two parents, she can’t be a man. God has created men to be the leaders in their households and has given men special tools to get the job done. Ephesians 6:4 is talking to fathers when it says to bring up the children in the training and admonition of the Lord.
Moms who are the spiritual leaders of the household and let me tell you, they hate that position. God has wired them to be led, not lead. Yet, they are trapped between their Biblical responsibility to love and support their husband and a desire for you to be the father and husband that God has called you to be.

Now, let me make a couple of exceptions to those who are doing the best they can. First, if you’re a single parent, I don’t even understand how you get anything done. What a difficult situation! Second, if you are a man who has a job that causes you to be away from home or work long hours and it’s the only job you can get for your level of training, you’re off the guilt hook. In those cases, you must trust that the Lord will watch over your family and do the best you can.

But you have to be honest; if you are working long hours and traveling because you want to make more money than you really need, or you just don’t want to be home because you get more satisfaction in your job, you’re guilty of neglecting your God given responsibility and you need to make a change. You are not going to be able to see the complete picture of how the ADD is hurting your child because it is a slow process of degradation that won’t be seen until you have a problem.

Do you have ADD and want to do something about it? There is a cure and a hope. Let me give you an idea that will change your relationship with your wife and children: sit on the couch and read the Bible for thirty minutes with them. Is that it? Yes, that’s it. Just thirty minutes of your day. Can you stop work thirty minutes sooner? Yes. Can you leave the golf course or tennis courts 30 minutes earlier? Yes. Can you choose to shut the TV off or put down the newspaper for thirty minutes? Yes.

Here is what will happen:

When you are dead beat tired at the end of the day, God will give you the strength to do it.
Your children will believe that their Dad thinks the Bible is important.
Your children will know that they are important to you.
You will have opportunities to talk with your kids about things that they are thinking about.
God will change your heart and give you a joy that you didn’t know was available. Many more things will begin to happen that are a blessing.
Are you afraid of reading the Bible because you don’t know it well? Please see the section on Family Devotions on the CherishEphesians64 website. Just take it one step at a time. God will help you.
Your wife will cry with tears of joy.

The dad with Absent Dad Disorder does not produce the traditional ADD, or attention deficit disorder in his loved ones. No, it’s not that they can’t PAY attention; it is that they can’t get attention- dad’s attention.

Dad, go home. They have been waiting for you.