Health and Beauty, Poison and Fire, and Bob Newhart.

Before we get to today’s article, I just want to mention that am writing from the perspective of a man that has experienced many of the challenges of which I write…. and those spiritual battles continue daily. The articles are implications of what it means to obey the commandment to raise your children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. They require some reflection and are particularly for Christians who, as Peter would say, are diligently seeking to confirm their calling and are making every effort to supplement their faith. Said more succinctly, serious Christians. If you know other believers who desire to walk more faithfully with the Lord, please forward an article to them and tell them to sign up for future articles. Thanks so much!

The numbers are staggering. Various studies estimate that the average person spends about $200,000 in their lifetime on creams, lotions, moisturizers, anti-aging, make up, hair, and fitness. I’m not going to do it here, but you may want to do some math to work out the implications for a husband and wife’s long term savings prospects. And of course, it is clear once again that there are so many things that we place great value on that are only temporary and at the end of the day, worthless. There is a word for that but I’m not going there in this article.

Moving on, I want to focus on how parents often model gossip and slander to their children. You see, I don’t believe that most sins children commit are developed as much as they are learned. Don’t get me wrong- the Bible clearly teaches that we are all born sinners with a fallen, sinful heart that has a bent towards sinning. Sinful desires are innate to fallen man. But, the ways in which those desires are actually made manifest in sinful actions I believe are mostly learned from other sinners. And that brings us right back to Ephesians 6:4 and the command to parents to raise children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. For good or bad, children will learn more from their parents than anyone else during their formidable years. Parents need to think deeply about that.

So here are two passages from the Lord that describe the instrument of gossip and slander and I will reference them as we go. The first is about all people and the second was directed to Christians.

Romans 3 “None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one.” “Their throat is an open grave; they use their tongues to deceive.” “The venom of asps is under their lips.” “Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness.” “Their feet are swift to shed blood; in their paths are ruin and misery, and the way of peace they have not known.” “There is no fear of God before their eyes.”

James 3: So also, the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water.

What is gossip and slander?

Gossip is the sharing of rumors or unsubstantiated information about others and slander is the utterance of false charges or misrepresentations which defame and damage another’s reputation. You can see how these two acts are closely related because it is almost impossible not to slander someone when gossiping because people rarely get the story right as it is passed along. In other words, the details of the gossip may have been accurately shared when it was first shared, but becomes less and less accurate as the sharing continues, thus the propensity for slander.

What happens to the person that is the object of our gossip and slander?

Well, we actually have no idea how our words are going to land on other people who want to hear the gossip. Once we pass it on, it is completely out of our control, but one thing can’t be denied: we are taking part in the destruction of a person’s reputation. As Paul writes in Romans 3 about all of us, we have both the capacity and the bent toward creating ruin and misery. In addition, gossip and slander takes on a life of its own because there is typically ongoing speculation of what may be going on in the lives of those we gossip about. This leads to more gossip as we keep the updated information flowing and the forbidden sin of judging other’s motives.

Why do we do it?

The short answer is that we are sinners. Paul describes the instrument of these sins as an open grave. Think of the stench of a rotten corpse. Furthermore, he says that our lips are full of venom. James concurs when he says that our tongues are full of deadly poison and adds to it that our tongues are a fiery destructive force. This part of our body should demand a great deal of attention from us, but what health and beauty product or fitness routine can we buy to make this pretty?

What does the Lord think about it?

Exodus 20:16 is the ninth commandment. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. In fact, the Westminster Confession gives us not only the prohibition, but a positive action that supports obedience to the commandment. It says that we are required preserve and promote the truth between man and man, and the good name of our neighbor. Proverbs 10:18 says, The one who conceals hatred has lying lips, and whoever utters slander is a fool.

Describing how the world will grow in wickedness as the last days come closer, Paul writes in 2 Timothy 3:3 that people will be heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God. That is no description of the Christian! He wants us to only speak truth. Ephesians 4:25 says, Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.

How do parents teach their children to gossip and slander?

Parents teach by modeling. From the child’s very first days until they are ready to leave home, they will learn how to interact with the world by simply being in the company of the parents. Unfortunately, children do not have the wisdom or discernment needed for them to reject mimicking their parents when the parent’s tongue is on fire or when they are saying poisonous words. They simply take it in and reproduce it in their own speech. Here are just a few ideas about where the modeling has taken place:

When you are on the phone in your home, your car, or anywhere! The kids are listening to both the topic of your call, your commentary on the topic, and your tone.
At the dinner table. Yes, going over the day’s events with the family is a good thing, but spending the time gossiping about other families is spilling poison on the table.
Your choice of entertainment. Talk shows, game shows, or whatever show that you watch that is based on gossip, rumors, and slander. Are not the kids learning that it is fun to vicariously partake in the battle of deceiving tongues?
Venting. Some people think venting is some sort of free pass to gossip, grumble, and complain about others because they have a right to blow off some steam. Not true.
Talking to our friends about our spouse when we are frustrated. You are opening that grave.
Talking to our kids about our spouse when we are frustrated. Even uglier.
Social media posts that are based on rumors.
Pumping our children for information about what is going on in the lives of other families.

What to do?

I am reminded of that hilarious video of Bob Newhart counseling a woman who had many phobias that she couldn’t shake, the greatest being afraid that she was going to be buried alive in a box (google Bob Newhart and stop it to find it on the web). After listening carefully to the woman for a couple of minutes, Newhart said that he had the solution for her, and it was only two words: STOP IT! If it were only that simple.

Even the lady in this comedic video knew that Newhart’s counsel did not address the core of the problem- her innermost thoughts rather than the phobias themselves. And so it is with us. We can address the problem by telling ourselves to stop talking about other people or stop being willing to listen to others who are sharing gossip. We can believe that we can systematize a way out such as snapping a rubber band every time we realize that we have gossiped, but the root of the problem is not addressed any more than a certain beauty cream solving your aging problem.

No, the problem cannot be solved by any human solution because it requires supernatural power to kill it, a power that only God has. To elaborate more fully on that is a topic for another article, but the short version is this: Every time you commit the sin of gossip or slander, go to the Lord and ask Him to forgive you. Even if you haven’t committed this particular sin on a given day, go to the Lord and ask Him to keep you from sinning that way. Based on His revealed will in the Bible, these two prayers are prayers that are in His will, and He will answer them in the affirmative over time. If you need additional motivation, remember that your sins against the God of your salvation is one thing, but to cause a little one to sin because of what you have taught them, is something much worse.